So my blog started out as something I did to keep in touch with my family, then slowly it became craftier and craftier and I ventured out more in the blogging world. Occasionally, it still family-ish depending on what we have going on. Sometimes, I feel like I can't write something because a. I don't want to offend anyone or b. I think my average reader won't care.
I don't make money off of my blog nor do I have plans to. I blog because I like it. I makes me feel creative, connected, and it keeps a good record of what I've been doing since I despise journaling. That being said I've just got to to me.
I had fun with pet week last week, but I lost 5 followers. At first, I felt kinda bad, but then I realized I just don't care. Sure, gaining followers is an ego boost and losing them makes me a feel a little dejected, but in the end it doesn't matter. I blog for me and if it makes other people happy along the way it's a bonus.
I've been feeling icky about a few things lately, and I want to talk about it. I just need to write it out. And this is where I am going to do it. Plus probably about 2 people are still reading so oh well.
I feel like the whole dang world is pregnant all the time! Seriously, at any given moment I know like 5 pregnant people. I don't even know how I feel at this point. Do I feel guilty because because I have been married almost 5 years and I still have no kids? Kinda. Do I feel jealous because the fact that they are joyful and pregnant makes me feel like their life is so easy in comparison to mine? Yup. Do I feel angry at women who just get to quit working and stay home with their kid and feel like it's the greatest thing that ever happened to them? Yes.
I am scared to have kids. I said it. I love them, but they scare the crap out of me. What if I have a crazy kid who never stops screaming? What if they are allergic to water or something and I have to go on Maury in order to raise money to help pay for my kid?
Let's say I do have a kid, I don't even know if I want to stay home. I like working. Not many people can say that, but I do. However, I can't imagine leaving my little baby with some stranger all day. I can't even leave my dog for Pete's sakes!
And let's move on to my worst fear. What if I can't have kids? The STRESS if it scares me. I'm very pro-adoption, I would use a surrogate, or I would get 4 more dogs. Lol. Mostly, I just can't face the idea of going through that stressful experience of determining what I need to do.
So I'm paralyzed. I can't move forward. And every time someone gets pregnant it reminds me that I am paralyzed with fear.