I think I'm Broken

So my blog started out as something I did to keep in touch with my family, then slowly it became craftier and craftier and I ventured out more in the blogging world. Occasionally, it still family-ish depending on what we have going on. Sometimes, I feel like I can't write something because a. I don't want to offend anyone or b. I think my average reader won't care.

I don't make money off of my blog nor do I have plans to. I blog because I like it. I makes me feel creative, connected, and it keeps a good record of what I've been doing since I despise journaling. That being said I've just got to to me.

I had fun with pet week last week, but I lost 5 followers. At first, I felt kinda bad, but then I realized I just don't care. Sure, gaining followers is an ego boost and losing them makes me a feel a little dejected, but in the end it doesn't matter. I blog for me and if it makes other people happy along the way it's a bonus.

I've been feeling icky about a few things lately, and I want to talk about it. I just need to write it out. And this is where I am going to do it. Plus probably about 2 people are still reading so oh well.



I feel like the whole dang world is pregnant all the time! Seriously, at any given moment I know like 5 pregnant people. I don't even know how I feel at this point. Do I feel guilty because because I have been married almost 5 years and I still have no kids? Kinda. Do I feel jealous because the fact that they are joyful and pregnant makes me feel like their life is so easy in comparison to mine? Yup. Do I feel angry at women who just get to quit working and stay home with their kid and feel like it's the greatest thing that ever happened to them? Yes.

I am scared to have kids. I said it. I love them, but they scare the crap out of me. What if I have a crazy kid who never stops screaming? What if they are allergic to water  or something and I have to go on Maury in order to raise money to help pay for my kid?

Let's say I do have a kid, I don't even know if I want to stay home. I like working. Not many people can say that, but I do. However, I can't imagine leaving my little baby with some stranger all day. I can't even leave my dog for Pete's sakes!

And let's move on to my worst fear. What if I can't have kids? The STRESS if it scares me. I'm very pro-adoption, I would use a surrogate, or I would get 4 more dogs. Lol. Mostly, I just can't face the idea of going through that stressful experience of determining what I need to do.

So I'm paralyzed. I can't move forward.  And every time someone gets pregnant it reminds me that I am paralyzed with fear.

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13 comments:

Bracey Pate said...

I understand your frustration. Mine doesn't stem from people getting pregnant though. It seems like I know someone or know someone who knows someone who gets engaged every week. I guess it changes with different age groups and in a few years all these engaged ladies will be getting pregnant.

Tanyia said...

Well, Meg I am a pretty new follower of yours but I promise I won't leave cause you want to rant or "has a sad" :) Ill send you cyber hugs, though!

I know what you mean...having kids is scary as hell. I recently had a miscarriage in Jan and I really feel like the whole damn world is pregnant right now as well! Sonogram pics are bombarding me from everywhere. ugh.

Here is ne positive thing to remember. Kids... one day at a time. One issue at a time, etc. If you are smart enough and loving enough to worry about this before you even have a child... you will make a great mama someday, whether it is your own child or an adopted one. But... thanks for being honest. And being a stay at home mom is great but even sometimes we sahm's miss work or having a life or being of some use besides a taxi service that happens to also be a cook and a maid lol

Bethany said...

I felt a similar thing last year when everyone I know got married within 6 months (the always a bridesmaid, never a bride kind of thing) as I'm still single. I sometimes think I want kids at some point, but other times I feel the same way you do--what if my kid is allergic to everything? what if he's born with a leg growing out of his ear? and crazy stuff like that...I honestly think my heart would break every day if I had kids and I don't know if I could stand it...I always just try to think that when I'm ready for it it'll be there for me, but for now I enjoy all the things I do have and do as I know that some of my friends look at MY situation and wish they were right there with me instead of worrying about their kids and so on.
And stinkeroo about the lost followers--I hate when that happens and always wonder what it was that I wrote that did it....
We're way too hard on ourselves, obviously :)

The Loops said...

Wow guys! I'm so thankful for the support. I kind of felt like I was writing to no one. I'm glad now that I put it out there. One day at a time!

Jenn Miyamoto said...

I'm still reading!! Hope you have a really great day!
Jenn

Rebecca @ My Girlish Whims said...

awwww :( I'm not a mommy or even married so I won't try to say I can relate but I will say I'm sorry for how you feel!!!! mucho bloggy land hugs. it doesn't matter what other people are doing, having babies, staying home, whatever. I'd say it matters most with what works for you and your husband!! if your happy, than that's what's important. maybe some of those stay-at-home mommies would get jealous of YOU sometimes. <3 <3

PS. I "publically" lost my first follower when i did my first "this is how I feel about..." post. at first i was like wow! this sucks. i must be a bad person. but then i was like, ya no, we'll gain some and loose some, but I'm sure we are all gaining more than loosing! I still enjoy your blog :)

Alder Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alder Family said...

Oh Meg! I can relate to all of those feelings. I have even thought those same thoughts almost verbatim. :) You're definitely not alone. And none of us is fulfilled by one thing only, so when/if you choose to have children you will find the balance that is right for YOU between work and staying home. It's so tough dealing with the fear of the unknown (like not knowing before hand whether or not your kid is a total screamer crazy-pants) but I've seen you with kids and you have such an incredible gift. I agree with Bethany--we are WAY too hard on ourselves. :)

Ps: it's hard not to be able to please everyone all the time, and if a more personalized post turns people away that's too bad because they're missing out on a REAL person with thoughts and feelings and a life! I appreciate hearing what's going on with you. So thanks for sharing!

Just the Two of US said...

I know the feeling! Here anytime you wanna chat!



dreamerklc(at)gmail(dot)com

Dianna said...

you know I'll always be there for a read! you and John married quite young. You'll have these years to remember back on when your kids grow up and move out. You'll have kids one day soon and no matter how they come to be, they'll be yours.

Laura O in AK said...

Meg,

Following you back after you visit to my blog via the Let's Get Social hop.

As far as kids go, they are a blessing when they come and some of the fears you have ahead of time usually get replaced by other ones. My youngest sister is in your shoes with seeing friends have kids (and those kids growing up fast), but not having one of her own. She would work after having any and is fine with that ('cause they couldn't afford to live off her husband's salary.)

Sue said...

Meg,
First off, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!
You are a lovely, energetic and creative woman! This does not come with a stamp "Because you are the above, you must do this and must do that", or, "Because you are a woman in today's society you need to think, re-think, become obsessed about what you 'should' and 'shouldn't do".
Meg, this is 'your' life...this is your 'story'....try, my dear, not to let all outside factors intimidate you into a decision that 'will' come from your own heart and your own internal instincts when the time is right for 'you'.
I enjoy reading your blog and have read every post since becoming a follower. I will 'continue' to read your blog. I love to read blogs written with honesty, creativity and soul.
You are very courageous for putting this out there as I am sure you will get many pieces of advice, from very well meaning individuals.....just please remember...this is your story...your one life....the answers will come from 'your' own spirit!

{{{HUGS}}}

Sue

http://www.elementsofhomecleaning.blogspot.com

The Loops said...

Wow! I am really amazed at all the the support and wonderful insight that you ladies are providing.

Sue- thank you for that much needed reminder. YOU ARE SO RIGHT!